A talk show 2019
Announcer: On today’s show, I will have, momentarily, Mr. Archibald Tallywacker. Mr. Tallwacker advocates dealing with our Muslim situation differently than the current ban on travel, registry, and weekly phone check ins. He believes exterminating them as humanely as possible is the best solution.
I also have Mrs. Deidre Rufflenickers who thinks we shouldn’t do that. In fact, Mrs. Rufflenickers says we should also eliminate the ban, registry, and check ins.
We’ll start with you, Mr. Tallywacker.
Archie: Well, my view is that the current measures don’t do nearly enough. Muslims are a menace and it’s not like they’re actual people. So, the plan is to put them down in a way that is more humane than many food animals, or even actual people who are on death row.
We’ll just round them up and put them in concentration camps. Then we have them go a group at a time to lie down in a big room where we have gas. They will be allowed to just lay they peacefully and wait, provided the offer no resistance. When they are locked in the room, we’ll release an anesthetic gas first, and then the lethal gas afterward.
The bodies will be cleared out and processed first in on-site crematoriums, and then the ashes will be disposed of outside in a landfill. This will create millions of high paying jobs. It will be great for the economy and take care of all our problems.
Announcer: Thank you, Mr. Tallywacker. Mrs. Rufflenickers, I take it you disagree. Please tell us your views on this.
De: Well, Archibald’s plan is awful, it’s what Hitler did and—
Announcer: Mrs. Rufflenickers! Godwins’s law!
De: He is proposing the same thing as Nazis though. He is a Nazi.
Archie: Oh typical libtard! They can’t win a debate so they call you a racist, Nazi, bigot. Their intolerance of my views is the real fascism. They don’t think I should even have free speech.
Announcer: Both of you need to refrain from calling each other names. Calling each other “Nazi” or “libtard” won’t help the debate or let us reach common ground.
De: But “libtard” is just an insult. He’s talking about doing the same thing Nazis did.
Announcer: Name calling is all the same, let’s just stop.
De: The next problem, other than murder people, is that it won’t create millions of jobs. It will only create two thousand at most.
Archie: Well, that’s just your opinion. I believe it will create millions.
De: That’s not reality though.
Announcer: I do think millions is high. We’ll fact check that, but we’ll just agree to disagree for now.
De: Fine. I think there is no need to do any of the things being proposed here. I’ve heard those on the right bring this up before, but there is nothing that could justify that, and there isn’t even a threat anyway.
I don’t think we even need the measures we have taken already. There was no need for it. There was never any proper justification.
Archie: But we have to stop terrorists. They are a big threat.
De: Most of them aren’t terrorists.
Archie: We can’t take any chances after the Bowling Green massacre. Over 100 people lost their lives that day.
De: There was no massacre. Nothing happened.
Archie: That’s just your opinion.
De: No, that is a fact.
Announcer: I think that’s enough for now. We’ll hear from the audience now. I haven’t seen any evidence of a Bowling Green massacre, but I know you dispute fact checking, Mr. Tallywacker.
Go ahead, you there.
Audience member1: We should try to compromise and find common ground here. The truth lies somewhere in the middle.
(audience applauding loudly)
AM1: There are two sides to everything, and we need to be fair to both sides.
AM2: So much extremism here! Exterminating all the Muslims on one side, and removing all restrictions on the other side. Only crazies on the fringes think like that, and they are both equally wrong.
We need to meet in the middle. We could just put them in internment camps. That’s probably the best idea.
AM3: Yeah, there is two sides, and we all have opinions.
Announcer: There are big differences between us, but I think we can come together as a country and decide what to do with Muslims, or anyone who looks like they might be one. Maybe they are people, or maybe they are subhuman and should be wiped out. We’ll never know, and it’s difficult to say which is morally right. Is it thousands or millions of jobs? The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.
Don’t miss tomorrows show, where we will be debating the merits of dropping a nuke on Iran. Opinions are all over the place on this, so it’s sure to be a hell of show. Then later in the week, we discuss whether Christian employers can view employee bedroom footage, and fire employes who have nasty gay butt sex, or even just normal sex out of wedlock. There are always two sides, with completely equal merit, and we’ll hear from them both. Until next time…